Blog | Self Help Junkie

Now What?

Written by admin June 20, 2011 — Leave a Comment

Be the change you wish to see in the world – Gandhi

Being the change you wish to be in the world means to be it. No matter what the circumstances. Do you know what’s wrong with the world? Well nothing is actually wrong with the world but besides nothing, it’s us. We are what’s wrong with the world. Our attitudes, our positions, our views, our drama. We excel at finding what is wrong with the world and ourselves. We take a stand on something and say it’s “right.” There is nothing wrong with commitment but when we are attached and righteous we are no longer very effective. It is what stands in the way of our usefulness to our fellow travelers

I saw a bumper sticker that says “If you are not outraged you aren’t paying attention.” As if outrage was a state of being that we should aspire to. The synonyms for outrage are: indignation, anger, rage, fury. Isn’t there enough outrage in the world already? Then it goes on to say that if you are not then you are not paying attention. It is in fact “insulting” the very people that it is trying to reach. As we know, but obviously forget, guilt doesn’t work. Outrage and guilt are not very empowering places to come from. Why would we want to expect or encourage outrage in another? What could this possibly serve? Will this really get us what we want? Has it worked yet? If we really want the world to work, is this the approach to take? Read more »

Posted in Self acceptance | Tagged acceptance, action, Creativity, Perspective on Life, self help

6 Principles to Stop Waiting

Written by admin May 15, 2011 — 1 Comment

1. Start where you are: this means let go of thinking you should be anywhere other than where you are right now AND it means, start with a healthy relationship with yourself. I am not saying you should fall into the “Waiting for Jack” trap. However, it’s important to consider, the further out of alignment with yourself that you are, the further away you are from finding the relationship you really want.

2. Allow yourself to want: you don’t have to settle AND you can drop the perfection nonsense. (You don’t have to drown in the bottomless pit of perfection). There is no such thing as perfection in a human—or we are perfect in our imperfections. The point is to find a balance. Have criteria, even make a list of what you want in the other person—but remember, be your list first.

3. You complete you: Be responsible for your own happiness. No one else will make you happy. You may experience happiness when you are with someone. But you are the one who is sourcing that experience. You are the one you have been waiting for! Read more »

Posted in Creativity, Perspective on Life, Self acceptance

Waiting for Love?

Written by admin April 15, 2011 — Leave a Comment

There is not enough love to go around. If someone else is receiving love there won’t be enough left over for us. I watch my dog Roscoe exhibit this behavior. When Jaxson is getting the love, Roscoe can not stand it. If he sees any signs that we are cheating on him, he runs across the room, nudges his way in and butts Jaxson out of the way. His message is clear, “What about me??” “Love me!”

There isn’t enough love to go around was the belief that had me in its grip. I found proof of this everywhere. No matter how many guys I dated, no matter how many love letters I received, the Jack of Hearts kept hiding from me. There just wasn’t enough love to make me feel whole. I lived the princess fantasy of save me, fix me and rescue me. I was looking for the one who could fit the bill. As a teenager, I pasted the poem with the line, “stop waiting for someone to bring you flowers” on my wall. But wait I did.

In addition to looking for the wrong thing, I looked in the wrong places. I thought if I slept with a man he would fall in love with me. It worked occasionally but most of the time I was left feeling empty and ashamed. On the other extreme, I dated a lot of jealous men. I could then complain about their jealousy and need for re-assurance but all along I was hiding my own. If only my boyfriend (whichever one it happened to be at the time) didn’t need so much reassurance, the relationship might have worked. Secretly, their jealousy was validation to me that I was important and loved – I was someone who was worth being jealous over. It was only after meeting my husband, a very secure man that I saw how jealous I was – oops. Read more »

Posted in Uncategorized | Tagged acceptance, courage, life, love, Self acceptance

Expectations Are Pre-meditated Resentments

Written by admin March 9, 2011 — Leave a Comment

We have rules and guidelines for love. If you loved me you wouldn’t_____ (fill in the blank). Often these are unspoken rules that our partner knows nothing about but this doesn’t stop us from expecting that they should follow the rules. Often, the closer we are to someone, the higher our expectations are. “They should know better! They know I don’t like ____ (again, fill in the blank.)”

A client was complaining about his wife. She had been away all week on business and he really missed her. When she got home she took a phone call from her business partner and was away from him for another hour. He started building a case: She should want to spend time with him; she was with her business partner all week. Why didn’t she miss him like he missed her? He was convinced that the way he saw it was “right”, she was guilty about not loving him enough. As he was sharing this with me, suddenly, he realized that all she had done was answer the phone and it didn’t have anything to do with him at all. He was able to go home and love her. He was free. He climbed out of the box. Read more »

Posted in Perspective on Life, Self acceptance | Tagged acceptance, action, love, Perspective on Life, Self acceptance

I Still Love Elizabeth Gilbert… I Think

Written by admin February 19, 2011 — Leave a Comment

I don’t mean I don’t like Elizabeth Gilbert. I do admire her. I love her work. but she seems to have a hard time with her brilliance. During her TED talk, she suggests that we embrace an ancient concept that the genius lives outside of us. She creates a beautiful metaphor and suggests that if we view our brilliance as something we can’t quite control, then maybe, just maybe it won’t continue to drive artists mad. Like a little creature that flies in some time and isn’t present other times, we don’t have a lot of say in the matter. She hopes that if we embrace this ancient concept, then maybe artists won’t continue to die or kill ourselves (see, I now admit I am an artist, I said “ourselves” not “themselves”…).

But that negates who we are really. If we are on a spiritual path, most likely we have heard the message that we are God, we are Buddha, we are spirit, we are pure energy. We are spiritual beings having a human experience—to use a somewhat tired phrase. Who we are is that – and most of the time we forget. Or we may even not know. Yet, if some of us are that, all of us are that. So who we really are is vast potential, unlimited energy, love, creativity. We simply block it by our crap. Our issues, our belief systems, our doubts, fears and judgments.

Why not celebrate our brilliance? Our light? Our talent? There is a difference between celebrating it and being identified with it. There is a difference between being an ego maniac and knowing who we really are.

Posted in Media Pressure, Perfection | Tagged acceptance, Media Pressure, Perfection, Perspective on Life, Self acceptance, Writing

Expansion versus Contraction

Written by admin January 11, 2011 — Leave a Comment

Gosh I love the growth periods—the times when I feel invigorated, alive, excited, that is. However, part of growth is the contraction periods and I don’t enjoy that quite as much. Expansion is exciting, enlivening—the times of being creative, energized, full of ideas, bold, daring. During these times I feel my power and glory, I am unstoppable. I know intellectually that these ways of being cannot be sustained. But I tend to be an inspiration junkie anyway. So when I am in the contraction period, I resist. I make it wrong. I don’t like how I feel—I doubt myself.

Consider a rubber band. It both expands and contracts. If it were to always expand, eventually it would lose its elasticity and it would snap. It must spend time in contraction to rejuvenate. Many of us expect that we can always be expanding, creating, doing, achieving and growing. Then many of us crash, snap or collapse because we have lost our elasticity.

We are resilient creatures and growth is a result of pushing the barriers to another level. Naturally this will feel challenging at times. We will push ourselves to the edge and we grow stronger. If we want to build muscle on our bodies, it takes time. We can’t just go to the gym once or twice or even for an entire month and work out like crazy and expect our muscle will build and sustain. It takes consistent effort over a period of time.

I will try to remember that today, how about you?

Posted in Creativity, Perfection, Perspective on Life | Tagged acceptance, action, growth, life, Perfection, Perspective on Life

Tis the Season to Accept Something About Ourselves – Otherwise Known as “The Moeller Nose”

Written by admin December 20, 2010 — Leave a Comment

I have what is commonly referred to in my family as the “Moeller nose.” Some have described it as angular, distinct even. My father once commented that bump at the bridge was regal—I am sure he meant well as he has “the nose” as well. I have always just thought of it as large. Definitely not small. Far from being a cute button nose that so many of the cheerleaders had at my school. I always despised those charts that depict the “perfect” facial feature measurements. I end up with the question—what about the rest of us? Should we be bred out of the stock? If I were to have offspring, I would be doing my part to perpetuate the Moeller nose. The thing about noses too is that apparently they are one of a few body parts that keep growing. Ears and noses, that is. So it is only downhill from here. Of course there was always the option of surgery. I could have a small, petite, delicate nose if I chose. It would cost me, but I could have it.

At least that’s what I used to think. So what stopped me? Even though I suffered from an eating disorder for much of my youth and I bought in to the false ideal of perfection that is reinforced everywhere we look, I chose (and choose) to keep my nose the way it is. I have come to embrace the truth: we only decide something is unacceptable based on comparison to something else. And of course our comparison is to these false standards. Yes, these “standards” are everywhere we look. As depicted in the media, it is clear that we need to look a certain way. If we don’t fit into the mold, something is wrong with us. Read more »

Posted in Body image, Media Pressure, Perfection | Tagged acceptance, Body image, Eating Disorders, Media Pressure, Perfection, Perspective on Life, Self acceptance, self doubt, self help

Shameless Self-Acceptance

Written by admin November 6, 2010 — 11 Comments

The rallying cry goes, “When will we accept ourselves as we are?” We look around, but to whom are we speaking? We finally turn and face… ourselves. It starts with us. Yes, the messages are everywhere—magazines, billboards, movies and on television. We are shown what “perfection” is and how it leads to a happier, more fulfilling and definitely more exciting life. We then glance down at our own thighs, stomach, clothes or (fill in the blank) and we come up short. Is it upsetting? Yes! Is it tragic that eating disorders are so prevalent and starting in younger and younger girls? Yes! And, once again, the change must begin with us.

Where do we start? We start by practicing Shameless Self-Acceptance. What does this mean? It means self-acceptance in a way you never have before. It means standing tall and walking proudly even when you don’t feel like it. It means accepting yourself as you are right now. Not ten pounds from now, not 1000 sit-ups from now, not a new wardrobe from now, not a shot of Botox from now… Right now! It means being kind to yourself when you are in your darkest moments. It means believing in yourself even when the chips are down. It means knowing things will work out even when you have no evidence that you might be right.

It also means unabashedly celebrating your successes; being playful and joyful whenever you are moved and appreciating the moments in between.

Some examples of Shameless Self-Acceptance:

Jumping out of bed and exclaiming, “Here I come, world!”
Singing full force as you greet the rising sun.
Wearing vivid colors on a dreary day.
Putting on bright lipstick and kissing the mirror while pronouncing, “You look marvelous!”
Wearing that hot black dress you have been saving for that special occasion—maybe even wearing it to the grocery store.
Being kind to everyone you encounter. Yes, that’s right, everyone… Read more »

Posted in Creativity, Perfection, Perspective on Life, Self acceptance

Yes, It Is Tough Out There

Written by admin October 10, 2010 — Leave a Comment

We have all heard it. We have a friend, we read the newspaper, we hear it on TV. It is everywhere. Self-Help Junkies are not imune, no matter how much personal development work we have done.

For those that are losing hope in the job market, I am writing this for you.

Yes, there may be things you need to handle. Maybe you need a new job (any job) right away. Take care of your pressing needs, handle what needs to be handled and be willing to consider a new perspective. There is nothing wrong with being “ordinary”, however, what might be possible for you if you shifted your context from feeling powerless to feeling in charge of your own life? What would it be like to disrupt the ordinary way of being, feeling, and reacting? To disrupt the ordinary would be to experience your own power, strength, courage, commitment and vision as you are going through this transition—and to put this to good use in the world. Being “A Fierce Disruption of the Ordinary” is a place to come from, a place to stand, and a way of being.

How do you get started?

Step 1: First, let yourself be wherever you are and have the reactions you are having. Most people, when faced with loss or trauma, will experience extreme upset and a feeling of being out of control. You may feel grief, fear, anxiety, self-doubt or anger. Acknowledge your feelings. Read more »

Posted in Creativity, Perspective on Life | Tagged acceptance, action, courage, life, Perfection, Self acceptance, self doubt

9 Principles to Be Happy in Any Economy

Written by admin September 9, 2010 — Leave a Comment

1. You are not your job

Our jobs are not who we really are, yet many of us relate to them this way. This is one reason that layoffs and lost jobs can be devastating. We have over-identified with what we do for a living and collapsed it with our sense of who we are. We can complete this way of thinking and look at what it is we want out of life and have our career be an expression of that but not our identity.

2. Being out of work doesn’t have to mean what you make it mean

We make it mean all kinds of things: there is something wrong with us, our employers, our co-workers, the government. What if it doesn’t mean what we think it means? What if we didn’t have to be victimized by it and instead can be empowered? We can disrupt our ordinary way of being by creating a meaning that gives us power and choice. We can re-focus on what really matters to us. Maybe we were out of balance in our life. Maybe we were letting things slide that we once really cared about.

3. Many people die with their music still inside them

We forget this is our one, precious life and we spend years in jobs that we feel we should do. We have forgotten about our dreams. What do you really want to be when you grow up? Maybe now is the time to do what it takes to find out. What do you want to do? Who do you want to be? What difference do you want to make? What legacy do you want to leave? Read more »

Posted in Uncategorized | Tagged courage, Perspective on Life, self doubt, waiting