My first introduction to public humiliation was in third grade. Already a shy, self-conscious little girl, I almost disappeared in my shell. It all began as I was reading out loud in class enthusiastically at first, but faltered at the point in the book where it said, “Chicago is known as the Windy City.” Plowing onward, I read, “Chick-a-go is known …” The entire room erupted in laughter, and my face became red hot. I plopped down in complete humiliation. At that moment I made a critical decision:
I never wanted to feel that way again! Therefore, I would never again speak in class without knowing the answer. My embarrassment was overwhelming. Even if I was sure I knew the answer, I would remain silent anyway. This behavior followed me throughout my life, even in graduate school where I earned straight A’s.
Years later, when I decided I wanted to be a public speaker, I had some work to do. If you really have the dream, then you must do what it takes to move through the fear.
Here is what worked for me:
- Do it anyway. The only way through, is through. No matter how much visualization, affirmation or positive thinking, nothing took the place of actually getting in front of people. Commit to get a group of people together and practice.
- Be willing to feel the anxiety. My palms would sweat, my heart would race, I would not be able to sleep.
- Be willing to fail. You may mess up. People may laugh or not get your message. Be willing to do it anyway.
- Bring humor. Laugh at yourself in your talk. Share your nervousness with the audience in the form of a story.
- Remember “this too shall pass”. Each thing we go through makes us stronger. If you keep putting one foot in front of the other, one day you will see how far you have come and you will be amazed!
I still get nervous before I speak but I know it is my passion. I am willing to feel the discomfort. And it gets easier every time I do it.
That is so true that you just have to push through if you want to get past the difficulties. Even people in the psychiatric field use this as a strategy to help people realize that they can get through their issues. They push them to the brink of their fear and beyond in order to help them realize that they can do it and get past the problems. Thanks for sharing your story.
I saw the article in today’s New York times where your book was mentioned.
Your premise is not only correct, but is timely. My dear friend has become addicted to self-help seminars, books, boot camps, internet sites and whoever is the latest guru. She is totally broke, on food stamps, begs her friends for money to pay the rent and is in poor health. Personally, I see all of this self-help stuff as addicting as drugs or alcohol. In the past, I have read all of the books and still glance at them in the library or bookstore. Last year I had heart surgery and decided that life was simply too short to do anything but live in the moment. I have identified the things I like, don’t like and experiences I want to have and am using all of my resources to mostly have fun. Everyone once in awhile, I have a guilt free “nothing” day where I stay in bed and watch stupid things on IV or read a novel, or do nothing. It is very freeing.
I had this fear as well. To get over it I went around looking people in the eye, every person that I could, and thinking to myself… “What you think of me does not determine me”.
It is our own thoughts that we think others have of us that we most often react to. It is called the “social mirror” and until you can stop projecting your thoughts onto other people, in regard to yourself, you will continue to be the victim of it.