We have rules and guidelines for love. If you loved me you wouldn’t_____ (fill in the blank). Often these are unspoken rules that our partner knows nothing about but this doesn’t stop us from expecting that they should follow the rules. Often, the closer we are to someone, the higher our expectations are. “They should know better! They know I don’t like ____ (again, fill in the blank.)”
A client was complaining about his wife. She had been away all week on business and he really missed her. When she got home she took a phone call from her business partner and was away from him for another hour. He started building a case: She should want to spend time with him; she was with her business partner all week. Why didn’t she miss him like he missed her? He was convinced that the way he saw it was “right”, she was guilty about not loving him enough. As he was sharing this with me, suddenly, he realized that all she had done was answer the phone and it didn’t have anything to do with him at all. He was able to go home and love her. He was free. He climbed out of the box.
We focus on what the other person is doing. How they are treating us, how they speak to us, we have an idea about how things should be and measure our relationship against that. Sometimes we don’t even let the other person in on this expectation; we just set them up to lose right off the bat. What if we could completely give up the expectation that others read our mind or our here on earth to meet our needs?
One pattern we often learn is to listen to others tone of voice and make things up about it. First we decide that there is actually a tone – failing to consider that maybe it has nothing to do with us. Then we make up what the tone means but often don’t say anything about it. Then we react to what we have made up in the first place.
Any conflict in a relationship is an opportunity to learn something about ourselves but usually what we want to do is look at where the other person is wrong. It is so much easier to point the finger. “If they were only more considerate, had more time for me, did the dishes more then I would be happy. They are the problem! If only they would change their behavior.” If asked, we would deny that we do this. We know it’s not nice, we think we are more fair than this.
Do you know that it actually takes more energy to hold on to something, to try to be right, then it does to simply take responsibility? When I want to be right, I spend an exorbitant amount of time re-hashing the situation in my mind. I review the person’s responses and actions over and over looking for the evidence I need to be right. In this internal dialogue, nothing changes. I keep trying to build my case but I get no where. When it comes time to have a conversation with the person I have already been the judge, jury and executioner. There is no room for anything else to show up. However when I am willing to let go- not because I am superior but from a genuine desire to have love be present it is a relief. (Example?)
To be human is to want to be right. Most arguments between people start with ridiculously small issues. The longer we hold on to something, the bigger it gets.
What can you let go of today?
