There is not enough love to go around. If someone else is receiving love there won’t be enough left over for us. I watch my dog Roscoe exhibit this behavior. When Jaxson is getting the love, Roscoe can not stand it. If he sees any signs that we are cheating on him, he runs across the room, nudges his way in and butts Jaxson out of the way. His message is clear, “What about me??” “Love me!”
There isn’t enough love to go around was the belief that had me in its grip. I found proof of this everywhere. No matter how many guys I dated, no matter how many love letters I received, the Jack of Hearts kept hiding from me. There just wasn’t enough love to make me feel whole. I lived the princess fantasy of save me, fix me and rescue me. I was looking for the one who could fit the bill. As a teenager, I pasted the poem with the line, “stop waiting for someone to bring you flowers” on my wall. But wait I did.
In addition to looking for the wrong thing, I looked in the wrong places. I thought if I slept with a man he would fall in love with me. It worked occasionally but most of the time I was left feeling empty and ashamed. On the other extreme, I dated a lot of jealous men. I could then complain about their jealousy and need for re-assurance but all along I was hiding my own. If only my boyfriend (whichever one it happened to be at the time) didn’t need so much reassurance, the relationship might have worked. Secretly, their jealousy was validation to me that I was important and loved – I was someone who was worth being jealous over. It was only after meeting my husband, a very secure man that I saw how jealous I was – oops.
Also, I always left first. If there was any sign that the relationship was ending, I was out the door. Remember, that early decision I made, I was not going to be left again.
Did you know that it’s not someone else’s job to make us happy? The easy answer is, “Yes! Of course I know that.” But I would invite you to look closer. Many of us pretend we know but deep down we still hope that someone will make us happy. They will be the magic key that unlocks our heart. We want to believe in fairy tales where all our needs and wishes will be met and we will live happily ever after. We want guarantees and promises. We know how it’s supposed to go. And often how it’s supposed to go is not how it is actually going.
The fear of abandonment has many people go through life protecting their hearts and never knowing true intimacy. To allow someone to know us means the potential of being hurt. We don’t share who we really are – the soft underbelly.
Where are you waiting for love? Maybe it’s time to stop…and just love yourself.
